Morning!

Tomorrow, I head back to the east coast. I’m really sort of torn about this, in  a way I haven’t been since the new year started.

(Las Vegas skyline)

When I first moved to D.C. four years ago, I went with this incredible excitement and anticipation of what was next. It was the most important thing to me – moving to D.C. and doing the ol’ government thang – and I had done everything in my power to propel myself there.

Shortly after arriving and settling in, though, I went through a rebellious period where I sort of hated it for no good reason. I felt lost without a solid group of friends to rely on, didn’t like my job at the time, resented the cold, winter weather (a week after I moved, there was a blizzard of historic proportions), and desperately missed my (now ex) boyfriend who was living in Florida. As a result, I fought against the idea of living in D.C., even as, over time, I quietly began appreciating it again. I settled in, and by year three, I actually felt more at home…… I just never wanted to admit it out loud. I was still fighting against the fact that I lived there (and had a great job/life/etc.), because I just still felt unsettled in other ways in my personal life.

Ironically it was not until this last summer when I was suddenly really on my own again (when my relationship ended) that my eyes opened and I was able to actually admit that I had that love for the D.C. area back again. That feeling I’d had years before, that drove me to the east coast to begin with.

(My mind is a twisty place right out of a James Joyce novel.)

I mean, really I’ve grown up in D.C. It was the very first place I lived all alone, as an adult, with no comfort of school to keep me safe and protected. My first apartment by myself, the city I’ve found my way professionally and launched my big girl career, the place where a relationship with my first {grown-up} love cultivated and ultimately extinguished, and where I dealt with my first real (mega) broken heart and other adult crises (like that one time I had fire ants?).

And now, as I’ve entered my fourth year living in the D.C. area, well…..

I don’t really know what to do.

Part of me wants to stay longer in D.C., continue to grow roots, and further explore this whole total independence thing I’ve got going on, and see how much more I can squeeze out of this city. I like that it feels like home base now.

And then the other part of me wants to Get. The heck. Out.

That second part is itching for a new adventure, to head back to the west where I’m from, get away from the office cubicle culture, and feels like I’ve hit my ceiling in D.C. (I’ve talked about this a bit before). I’m not sure how you really know when enough is enough. What if your future exists somewhere else? Obviously, that’s kind of a silly question. You can’t push it and you can never “miss out” on your future….. it’s happening now.

As for my career, I love the idea of what I do (supporting the military), but not necessarily the day to day of my current role. Sometimes (a lot of time) I think about what it’d be like to spend my hours as something else (a nurse, a teacher, a Christmas tree farmer, a full-time writer, an ice cream scooper, whatever). <–Note: those are not all real examples of potential career paths I’ve considered. But I’m cool with going with the flow right now, and waiting for the universe to reveal itself to me.

I’m thankful for the life I have, all the people in it, and I’m okay with the idea of continuing to go with the flow. As I said, I like to think the universe has a funny way of making sure you don’t miss anything too critical to your development and future building. Clearly I have a terrible problem staying in the present (psssst- I almost always have!) and get nervous staying focused on the now, but I’m not sure why that is and consciously try to stay aware of it.

And now, it’s time for pancakes! Catch ya’ll next from the east coast, and I have literally no idea how long I’ll be there. I could turn 92 and still be in D.C. Who knows.

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